Steady adults help teenagers weather emotional distress

The brief

Clinical psychologist Lisa Damour distinguishes ordinary emotional pain from distress that disrupts functioning or produces costly coping, including substance use, self-harm, and withdrawal.

Her advice for harmful behavior is counterintuitive: demanding that someone stop can create resistance, while acknowledging what the behavior accomplishes opens space for healthier choices.

When a teenager is intoxicated or emotionally unavailable, Damour recommends calm timing and fewer words, including the phrase “what we’re doing isn’t working.”

The conversation treats rumination, distraction, avoidance, eating disorders, and social-media pressure as patterns that can become harmful when they create new problems or narrow life.

Damour’s central principle is to be a steady presence: listen, validate, ask directly about suicide, seek therapy when home strategies fail, and preserve relationships as protection.